In my words...

. . .and then I called you.(Part 4)

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Mairah:

It was a beautiful morning. My three year old, Fur’qān, was playing in the yard. I was making his favourite strawberry smoothie. His cackle never fails to mesmerize me. Every time I hear him laugh, I burst into laughter myself. Alhamdulillah. The coolness of my eyes.

And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” Those will be awarded the Chamber for what they patiently endured, and they will be received therein with greetings and [words of] peace. [Al Qur’an 25:74, 75]

SubhanAllah!

I heard my phone ringing. I guessed it must be mummy (my mother in law). It must be 8am in India and this is when we usually call each other everyday. My mobile screen shows India code but it isn’t mummy’s number. I wonder for a while. It has been quite sometime that I got a call from anyone else in India.

– “Hello?”, it was more of an inquisition than a greet

-“Mairah?”

The response swept the floor off my feet

-“Mairah, is that you? Please, please respond… it’s me, Kabir”

I kept mum. I didn’t know what to say. The same voice, but softer and lot more humble.

– ” Mairah, Aafiyah- my wife. Aafiyah and I, lost our baby…”, his voiced choked. Did I hear him sob?, “..and she is counting her last minutes. She wants to meet you Mairah. That’s the last thing she asked from me. I know you’re in Singapore, I got your number from Shruthi and I know it is not easy to come over but please …please if you could.. We’re in Sanjeevani hospital.”

There was a long pause. I could still hear sobs, some other words and murmurs. As for me, I was still. Emotionless. The silence was interrupted by Fur’qān’s laughter. I disconnected the call and rushed to him. Carried my baby, held him close to me. It took a while to sink in what just happened. Was I dreaming?

The phone rang again. Same number. It wasn’t a dream. I disconnected the call and turned off my phone.

It’s been 8 years and now she wants to meet me? Of course I would never go. My heart feels this overwhelming pain..

And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the patient, Who says, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”: They are those on whom (descend) Blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. (Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

I remember the Mairah, who was… the 24year old young divorcee. A revert to Islam. Disowned by parents, shunned by her husband for another woman. As I close my eyes, those moments flash as a nightmare. Crystal clear.

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8 YEARS AGO…….

It was my birthday the next day. Kabir had been coming home late since the last month. Too much work load I guessed. Year after year, for the last 8 years he had always planned the best surprises on this day. I couldn’t wait to know what awaited this year! I considered myself so lucky to be married to him. We would celebrate our 7th anniversary this September. I smiled remembering how beautiful these years had been.

I was 16 when I met him. My best friend, Sarah, had called me over for lunch. It was not uncommon for me to visit her place for meals but what I didn’t know was that her brother had returned from the UK. It was love at first sight he says! Not for me…

Sarah sure had introduced Islam to me. Over the next year, I went even deeper and Alhamdulillah perhaps he was sent to me to turn me towards Allah subhanah wa ta’ala. I don’t know what I did to deserve this life and to deserve this deen. Life swirled as a whirlwind in this year. As anyone would, my parents believed I have been brainwashed. They refused to see me ever again. However, life had plans for me! Kabir asked me to get married and l leapt to say yes! I was a 17year old bride, beaming with joy and glee.

That was then and it is beyond 7 years now! Alhamdulillah. I startle as the doorbell rings. Ah! It’s 11:45pm. It’s late but still on time to celebrate my birthday at 12:00am! I open the door smiling from ear to ear. He looked tired and disinterested. Perhaps acting! I give him water and sit next to him waiting for the next 15 minutes to pass.

– “Mairah… I have something to tell you”

I stare at him wide eyed. Holiday? New dress? Long drive? Gift?

-” Mairah, I love someone else”

Uhhh, the same old joke. I love my work. I love Mumbai. I love mumma. I love our future baby. He really thought this would panic me? It made me chuckle!

-” I wish to divorce you Mairah.”, his gaze lowered. The clock struck 12:00. My phone started ringing vehemently.

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To be continued. . .

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In my words...

. . .and then I called you.(Part 3)

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [ Al Qur’an 2:216]
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My mind was a confused stream of thoughts as I wondered what was happening. What was going to happen. I had no pain. Was this normal. What if something wrong! Fear comes creeping back in. But before I can voice them to Kabir the successive stings of abdominal stabs make their way. First just a few. Then nothing. Then a succession of a few more this time a little more brutal. Then again nothing. By the time we reach the hospital the pain is debilitating. I can’t move, I can’t speak. My mind is lost somewhere here with Kabir next to me and somewhere far away, a distant place, a place other worldly. The throes of pain are quick and feel lethal! I wonder if I’ll live to see Kabir hold our child, for nothings ever felt as near deathly as this moment. 

I remember being surrounded by so many people. I remember Kabir standing right there holding my hand….my heart raced. Everything was going as it should be.. it was alright… until after a while I felt I could not breathe. I couldn’t understand. I was trying.. I felt a hot flush… blood… is this normal? I couldn’t speak.. it started getting vague and hazy… 

I could hear Kabir’s voice, “Aafiyaah….” it was getting distant. There was a lot of movement…

I heard broken words, ” fetal distress.. emergency… fast..uterine rupture..mother and baby critical..”

My baby… those were the last things I heard and a blanket of darkness engulfed me. I felt I was dying…

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When I awoke, I found Kabir sitting beside me. My body felt the fatigue of a warrior defeated in a battlefield. I could barely move my hands to remove the oxygen mask but I wanted to meet my baby. The mere thought made me smile, “boy or a girl?”, I asked.

As he looked up, he seemed to have aged ten years. He smiled back, “Our baby is in good hands my love.”, tears glistening through his eyes, “inni lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon (to Him we belong and to Him shall we return)”.

The world around me spun. It was a dream. I wanted to close my eyes and open them only to travel back by two days. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, not a shriek came out. Tears streamed down.. I saw my mother coming in. She clung to me and both of us wept. At that point, perhaps she understood it the best. She held me till my tears dried. She held me like she had never before.

There was a strange weariness in me. A breathlessness. It started getting dark again. My head. Mum helped me with the oxygen-mask and made me lie down. I felt hollow. Was this it? Am going…. I know am going too… I know it.

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Abdul Kabir:

The doctor’s words kept echoing in my mind. Uterine rupture. I saw them carry away the lifeless body, my child was gone and my wife had a few days more. I thought I was going to bring a new life home but here I am standing only to watch her go too. I wish I could turn my back to all the pain. I wish I could make up for all the time I made her sad. I wish I could fulfill all her dreams today.

Something inside me shattered when I saw her breaking down with Amma (my mother in law). I know I should have been there but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hold back my own tears. I rushed out and walked as far as I could to find solitude. I cried. Alone. For as long as I could. This is how it would be now, forever.

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She lay there still. I could see her withered, as if life was slowly seeping out. Her tears had dried. Amma sat there stroking her hair. As I entered, she signalled me to come and sit by her. Every moment now was so precious. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
She gave me the prettiest smile. Gorgeous. Did I ever love her more? SubhanAllah

I held her tiny, delicate hands.

-” Kabir, if I ask for something would you give me?”

– “anything…”

– ” I wish to meet Mairah”

I kept staring. My heart skipped a beat.
-” Mairah?”

She couldn’t be serious. Before I could even ask, my heart knew why. I just looked at her. Her faint smile and that pain in her eyes. How could I refuse?

-” will you bring her here to me Kabir?”

-” I told you ,’anything’…”

I tucked her in the blanket to rest. I saw faith and content on her face as she closed her eyes. I didn’t know where I would find Mairah but I had to. I sat there wondering, what would I tell Mairah? Where would I look for her?

-“who is Mairah son? Why is Aafiyah so eager to meet her?”, Amma asked.

Blood gushed through my veins. What would I say? Who is she….

Mairah….

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To be continued……

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In my words...

. . . and then I called you. (Part 2)

O mankind! reverence your Guardian-Lord Who created you from a single person created of like nature his mate and from them twain scattered (like seeds) countless men and women; reverence Allah through Whom ye demand your mutual (rights) and (reverence) the wombs (that bore you): for Allah ever watches over you.
[Qur’an 4:1, An-Nisaa]

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Aafiyah:

I finally felt complete as a woman. That was the day, I first felt the essence of motherhood- of being completely in love with someone you haven’t even seen. But the greatest gift of all was the bliss I saw on Kabir’s face that day. From that day on I saw a different man in the house. He was no longer Abdul Kabir Sayed the lead architect, the son, the husband. He was now living the life of a father awaiting his child.

For hours together he would speak to his child and then burst into an innocent chuckle as if the baby responded. I would just be the silent spectator, a third party to witness these events. Alhamdulillah. Could it ever be so perfect in dunya?

SubhanAllah, we could never thank Allah subhanah wa ta’ala enough. The sweetness after hardship. I knew it was an amanah.. I realised I have to take care of it as one and make my baby a beautiful muslim. Secretly, deep down I wanted a boy and I wished him to be just like his father. Kabir wanted a girl. ‘Raeesa’ , he even selected her name! Alhamdulillah, we both knew we would accept whatever Allah subhanah wa ta’ala bestowed us with and love it immensely.

The next few months seemed long but we lived each day of it. Every check up was religiously scheduled and all prescriptions followed. At nights when I would crave for Burgers and pickles, Kabir would patiently drive through the city and get the choicest ones for me just as I liked them – spicey and big! In the morning after fajr we would go for a brief walk and share our thoughts as two school kids! The colour of the rooms, the school, the holidays alhamdulillah every dream was being framed into a plan..

Whether you conceal what is in your hearts or bring it into the open, God knows it: for He knows all that is in the heavens and all that is on earth; and God has the power to will anything.”

[Qur’an 3:29]

Our salahs automatically became longer. Those unspoken words, silent desires were now let out. The doors of our hearts were completely open. Nothing was hidden from As Sami, Al Baseer- The All Seeing, The All Hearing. We wept every time, we thanked every time… and we waited patiently.

Those were the nine months that I truly lived. Every desire and every dream was placed in my hands before I could even ask. As the time was nearing, I started feeling more and more nervous. There were nights that I would wake up scared and sweating profusely. Yet, there were nights I could not sleep at all. Sometimes an unknown fear would grip me when I couldn’t feel the kicks within only to be relieved when they would begin vehemently after a while! I would just laugh to myself.
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Its on one of those rare nights that my body allows me to sleep that I wake up in a pool of liquid. My first thought is that I’m bleeding! Something wrong with my baby! My heart leaps off my chest and Kabir wakes with my wails.

– “What’s wrong!?”,  He sits up in a panicked sweat.

“I don’t know, I think I’m bleeding.”, I say.
I get out of bed to realize that I was in a pool of water and not blood! My water just broke. My waters just broke! We look at each others eyes as the dawn of reality resonates in both our eyes.

” Its time”, I say….

To be continued. . .

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In my words...

. . .and then I called you.(Part 1)

One of His signs is that He created for you spouses like your selves so that you may live with them with affection and mercy – there are signs in this for people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)

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AAFIYAH:

Time doesn’t seem to pass. I can’t wait to tell him. How will he react? Will he leap out of joy or will he carry me in his arms? Perhaps he will just stare at the report and keep staring at it like I did. Six years it has been.. six years to the dream that we once spun.. the dream of being gifted with another life, of holding those tiny fingers and feeling them against ours.. the long debates of who would wake up at night and who would change the nappies had now subsided.. the hopes had now become a silent acceptance of duas denied in dunya.. until today.

It’s 7pm. Kabir should be home at any moment. How will I tell him? I stand in front of the mirror and rehearse as a nursery child.

” Congratulations Mr Kabir Sayed!”… ummm no, doesn’t sound right.. “Hello papa to be”.. no..  “I have something to say..” ..uhhh.. why am I nervous? I chuckle to myself!

Isn’t it something I have been asking in all my salahs? Haven’t I always imagined those tiny feet running down the corridors of my house as I stare at their emptiness? The ache that I felt when I saw those kids playing in the park.. the silence of this house that has been haunting me for six years.. it’s going to end soon In Shaa Allah..

I panic as the door bell rings! Shaken out of my thoughts.. Must be Kabir. Dadda (my father in law) opens the door for him. I rush out to see him. My heart still skips a beat when I see him… even after seven years of marriage. Kabir was everything that I had dreamt of- a good husband, a good son, an intelligent man, smart personality, and caring gentle partner… I know with sabr he has always waited for this day. Not a day did he ever let it affect us but I know deep within his heart ached.

Silently I follow him with my reports.

– “Kabir…”
-“hmmmm….”, soft and unmindful

I hand over the paper to him and he takes it as unmindfully. Slowly the calm on his face vanishes. Clueless.

-“medical reports? You went to the doctor? Is everything okay? ”

– ” go ahead, open it” , I smile and I can’t stop smiling…

Time goes still. A blanket of silence masks the room. I could hear my heart pound.. Life changed forever in the next thirty seconds….

-” Aafiyaah..”, he couldn’t speak more than that. His voice sunk. I think I saw a tear as he lowered his lids and wiped off his face with his sleeves… but they wouldn’t stop! Much as he tried to hide them but as he smiled, he cried.. his face flushed with redness..

-“Aafiyah”.. and he extended his arm calling me..

-“yes, it is for real… it is happening”, I sat beside him, put my palm on his…

Papers are flung aside and he rushed to plant a peck on my forehead. The air is filled with laughter, tears and chuckles.. Both of us choke with happiness. I don’t know when we last shared a moment so blissful… Alhamdulillah, my fairy tale had begun…

SubhanAllah, not a minute wasted… Kabir immediately went into sujood. To The One who finally answered our duas. All those nights that you stood, all those tears that you shed my beloved, they have been heard… You stayed long with your head on the floor that day. I know you couldn’t stop thanking, I know you couldn’t start believing. A fear clung that night…perhaps I would wake up the next morning and it would be but a dream… but as I see you, my heart reconciles. It will be fine now. Now…

My life seems to have just begun….

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To be continued…

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my journey as a revert muslimah

A letter to a friend…

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Dear Khushi,

I see you every day.. everyday, every moment that you are smiling, bubbling with joy, spreading happiness, being kind.. Alhamdulillah. I see the tears that you hide, the burdens that you silently carry, the hopes that you clench so tight in your fist… I see it my friend, I see it and yet I remain but a silent spectator.

As you speak to your parents over phone, speaking as a grown up child, willing to take up the burden that even the most able sons of this day shy to take up. I observe sitting behind you, as eyes twinkle when you share your dreams and as that gorgeous dimple makes its way when you imagine the happiness you wish to give your parents. SubhanAllah.

A person came to the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) and asked, “Who among people is the most deserving of my fine treatment?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied, “Your mother.” He then asked, “Who next?” The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied, “Your mother.” He asked again, “Who next?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Your father.” [Sahih Bukhari]

SubhanAllah! Is it not a part of Islam that breathes within you? Unknowingly, is it not the word of Allah subhanah wa ta’ala (Glorified and Exalted be He) that you’re following? Hasn’t Allah subhanah wa ta’ala (Glorified and Exalted be He) blessed you my beloved friend with these emotions and vulnerability towards your parents?

What is a Muslim who, as pious as he may be, does not cast a loving glance at his mother? What is a Muslim who turns his back to Allah subhanah wa ta’ala minutes after making a salah? It is Allah subhanah wa ta’ala ( Glorified and Exalted be He) who is the turner of hearts. Only He (subhanah wa ta’ala) can open a heart and it is only He a subhanah wa ta’ala) who can seal them.

The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “The curse of Allah is on the one who causes difficulty to his mother. The curse of the angels and the curse of mankind are on him. Allah neither accepts his Fardh nor his Nafl worship as long as he does not repent and obey his mother. He has to gain her pleasure as best he can. Allah’s pleasure depends on the mother’s pleasure and His wrath is concealed in her wrath.” [Ahmad]

“I believe in Allah and his last messenger (salallahu alayhi wasallam)”. I remember being flabbergasted to hear that from you! I remember asking you to repeat it for me..
“what???…. you do!….”, I kept staring
“Masha’allah”.

That was then, and till this date I wonder, “is she a muslim?”.. Wallahi, I witnessed you saying that. I witnessed you casually trying to mutter la ilaha il Allah Muhammadur rasool Allah as you were doing the dishes.

“Wha..hey! how do you say that?” and I mumble it for you and deep down I wonder, “does she know what she is saying?”.. I gasped and all I could do was to gasp. I looked up and from my heart went a silent duaa, “Ya Allah…. guide her.”

Your eyes widen when you ask about Islam, you are all ears when my answers come from the little knowledge that I have. You ask, you question, you debate, you smile and then you accept. Your smile fades as I tell you jannah is for the believers and for disbelievers it is the jahannum. It is always In Shaa Allah (by the will of Allah alone).

Surely, God has cursed the disbelievers, and has prepared for them a flaming Fire wherein they will abide for ever.” (Quran 33:64)

They will long to leave the Fire, but never will they leave there from; and theirs will be a lasting torment.” (Quran 5:37)

“…And they will never leave of the Fire.” (Quran 2:167)

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This is dunya..it is imperfect and temporary. Perfection is for akhirah and it is everlasting, never-ending and forever. The trials, tribulations, disgrace and pain that is here is but for a few moments..

“But I cannot accept Islam”, you say. ” It will break my parents, they will die”.. and as your voice chokes, I try to read the fears you carry. I try to see the girl I used to see in me six years back, I try to  pick up the shattered pieces of hope and place them on your palm…. Allah subhanah wa ta’ala loves you the most. Allah is Ar Rahmaan, Ar Raheem, Al Wadud and As Sami – The Most Merciful, The Most Benevolent, The Most Loving and The All Seeing. He is Al Aleem- the All Knowing and only He knows what is the best for us.

“I’ll tell Allah that I couldn’t do it, for my parents”, is what you say..

It is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, the animals and the insects, by means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another, and by means of which wild animals are kind to their offspring. And Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of mercy with which to be merciful to His slaves of the Day of Resurrection.” (Muslim, al-Tawbah, 6908)
 

“…as compared with the life of the hereafter, the life of this world is nothing but a brief passing enjoyment” (Quran, Ar-Rad: 26).

The Prophet (Salallahu alayhi wasallam), too, clarified the value of this life in relation to the hereafter. He said, “The life of this world compared to the hereafter is as if one of you were to put his finger in the ocean and take it out again then compare the water that remains on his finger to the water that remains in the ocean” [Sahîh Muslim (2858)].

Ibn ‘Umar said: The Messenger of Allah (Salallahu alayhi wasallam) took me by the shoulder and said:“Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer.”

It may seem as a sorrow of lifetime, it may seem as a path filled with thorns, it may look as if it is too much to endure but….. but my friend, if only you see the destination. The destination is Allah…Al Mutakabbir, Al Khaliq – The Most Majestic, The Creator. See it as a small test. Didn’t you give those tests in school to become what you are today to the world? For something that is so transient- the dunya!

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Allah subhanah wa ta’ala( Glorified and Exalted be He) loves your parents a lot more than you do and He only loves you a lot more than your parents. The love of Allah is 70 times the love of your mother! And what is greater than the love of a mother in dunya. We always think we will turn towards Allah tomorrow but is tomorrow promised to you?

A shudder runs down my spine…. what if we die today? What if Allah commands my soul to leave my body? Am I ready? We’ll be taken up in the state we die… will I be able to utter the shahadah? Rather, will Allah subhanah wa ta’ala ( Glorified and Exalted be He) allow me to utter the shahadah in those moments? Have I been obedient to Him? Have I led a life of his pleasure? How foolish we are to plan our future, to say words like, “One day I will mend my ways…” , “I will turn to Him if……..”

“Innalilahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon” To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.” (Quran Surat Al Baqarah 2:156)

“Every soul shall have a taste of death, then to us you will be ultimately returned.” (Quran Surat Al Ankaboot 29:57)

My dear friend, He doesn’t have to wait for us to turn to Him… We belong to Him! He shall say Be and it will Be! Yet, hasn’t He (subhanah wa ta’ala) been so patient with us? Yet, hasn’t He (subhanah wa ta’ala) not given us time enough to turn and repent? Imagine the day when In-shaa-Allah we shall stand before Him… Imagine if He is pleased with us, we shall be allowed to enter the gate of Jannah forever……. in shaa Allah..

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Imagine my friend, close your eyes…. think…. with your parents you stand before the Almighty.. imagine being in sujood right before the Malik-ul-mulk.. Masha’allah..wouldn’t you want that honour? Wouldn’t you want it for your parents too? Alhamdulillah.. in shaa Allah.

No reward do I ask of you: it is (all) in your interest: my reward is only due from Allah: and He is Witness to all things.” (Surah Saba 34:47).

I feel your pain, I feel your fear. Keep them aside for you don’t realise who is by your side. The Kings of Kings, The Most Powerful, The Eternal, The Most Magnificent of all… As Samad, Al Majid… Allah…. do not withhold your steps anymore, come one put your foot forward! Come and for once experience it.. come and for once cry your heart out to Him. The only true Love that ever was, the only Love that shall never hurt.. the love for Al Wadud… SubhanAllah!

Come my friend.. come.. Come to your Maker.. come to your Master. Turn. No time is a better time than Now. Feel His mercy, beg from Him alone..submit to His will and find success in being a servant. In shaa Allah..

And me… I shall be right here always.. in shaa Allah..making the same duaa for you. Ya Allah..guide her on the siratal mustaqeem… Ameen

Everyone shall taste death. And only on the Day of Resurrection shall you be paid your wages in full. And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing).  
( Aal-e-Imran Chapter 3:185)

With love and hopes,
Your friend,
A revert Muslimah…

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PS- as you read this, please make duaa for my friend and her family… in shaa Allah their heart too shall turn. Ameen

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Awards

Sisterhood of The World Bloggers Award!

As salamu ‘alai kum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Woohooo! Sister Papatia nominated me for the Sisterhood of the Word Bloggers Award! I am overjoyed to have been nominated. I am very thankful. She has a beautiful blog Masha’Allah. Please visit her blog here –  http://papatia.wordpress.com

It was really long due! This award gives credit to deserving women across the globe for their efforts to bring solidarity amongst women amongst other things.  Alhamdulillah, such a beautiful thought. So it’s my turn to nominate seven bloggers. It has surely put me in a fix! I love so many of you. So here we go, my nominations are:

1) https://modernmuslimmadam.wordpress.com

2) http://lightuponlight99.wordpress.com

3) http://thinkingoutloudest.wordpress.com

4) https://intheremembranceofgod.wordpress.com

5) http://seerahnabawi.wordpress.com

6) http://salwister.wordpress.com

7) http://seraphictruth.wordpress.com

8) http://fitmuslimgirl.wordpress.com

Oops did I just nominate an extra nominee? 😉

Below are the rules to follow :

The Rules which need to be followed: 

 Provide the link to the person who nominated you.Add the reward logo.Answer the questions your nominator has asked.Nominate 7 other bloggers and let them know via comments. (in fact I have 8 nominees)Ask your nominees 10 questions.

Well, now I should answer the questions put up to me.

-What inspired you to blog?

The desire to be the part of the ummah, and to know more muslim sisters. That made me start blogging.

-How do you choose your topics?
Ummm.. honestly I experience a writer’s block so often. It takes me ages to come up with something. However, most of the times it is about the tiny incidents I come across in my life and how things are with a revert in India.

-Are you a morning person?
Haha.. ummm, actually no. But being a muslim, you eventually become a morning person. Alhamdulillah, I make up for it on weekends where I take a really long nap after sunrise! 😀

– Are you married or single?
I am unmarried 🙂

– Any children if married? If single, how many you plan on having?
Hahaha.. Allah subhanah wa ta’ala is the best planner sister. I prefer not planning things as how many children, whom to marry, where I will be after 5years etc. Alhamdulillah, I hope to have few good kids though In Shaa Allah.

PS-  Please make a dua if you read this for my future and I ask Allah to grant good health to your family always. Ameen

– What makes you happy?

Sweet small moments. A good sleep, a good meal, a good read, a good talk, a good salah, a good thought, a good deed etc. By the will of Allah subhanah wa ta’ala.

– What kind of food do you eat?
Since I am from India, the prime cuisine out here is Indian. So my daily diet comprises of roti(Indian bread) and a vegetable cooked the Indian way! I love my food. Ahaa!

– Do you love nature?
Oh yes! Living in a city it is so difficult to even appreciate nature. Perhaps the one odd way when I make efforts to go to my terrace and view the stars, trying to spot the North star, venus, Jupiter, The Great Orion etc… it’s beautiful. Reminds you of the Maker.

– What qualities do/did you look in a man?

Bismillah… that’s a thoughtful question and I do have a long list. In shaa Allah, I find this man and I wish all my sisters get someone similar or better. Ameen. **duaa alert**

1) Piety, correct Aqeeda, taqwa
2) Good Character
3) Well read about deen and dunya. Makes effort to attain islamic knowledge and apply them to life constanly.
4) Responsible and wise
5) Kind, generous and loving towards family.
_______

My question for you my sisters are as follows

1) Given a chance, who is that one person whom you would like to meet right now?

2) What is that one thing you would like to remove from your life and that one thing you wish to add?

3) The person in your life you admire the most and look up to. ( Besides our Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam and sahabas radiallahu anhum)

4) What do you think is the biggest problem that the masses are facing these days? As an individual, what can we do about it?

5) Favourite thing to do in weekends?

6) What do you do when you are upset? How do you uplift yourself.?

7) A duaa that you would make for all sisters in Islam.

8) A weakness within you that you cannot overcome.

9) Name a friend you have made through blogging and why do you love her? (You may tag her and let her know)

10) Do you like playing the Host?

May Allah bless all of you. Ameen.

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my journey as a revert muslimah

Why me….

Another sleepless night for me. Another night to reflect upon myself, my aims, my life and my people. Why am I feeling so disconnected? I visited an old friend, Jasmine, who was in town with her family. I didn’t know how to meet them with my hijab on. A staunch Hindu family, Jasmine had told me that her parents wouldn’t be happy with this decision of mine. After thinking over it for a long time, I chose to wear my hijab under the pretext of feeling really cold! I had to lie. Yes, I sinned perhaps. I don’t know how long am I going to hide my faith. It is an unhappy feeling. Why does it seem so tough to be accepted as a revert? Why was I not born as a muslim? Wouldn’t life have been easier? Why me….

Why me? Don’t we ask that question so many times? I didn’t deserve it… that’s unfair to me.. but I was obedient to Allah subhanah wa ta’ala, I prayed everyday and yet this happened to me! Why me? Why Allah why?

{And We shall try you until We test those among you who strive their utmost and persevere in patience; and We shall try your reported (mettle).} (Quran 47:31)

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Did we ask ‘why me’ when we were bestowed with blessings? What if Allah subhanah wa ta’ala takes away everything that we forgot to thank Him for? Did we ask “why me”, when we were relishing the hot meal on a chilly winter day? The day when we were comfortably tucked inside your blanket and overslept to miss Tahajjud and yet  got all the Thawab only because we made niyyah! Did you ask why me?

“Why am I not getting married?”.. did we thank Him when we read about dowry deaths or domestic violence?

“Why do I not have children?”, did we thank Him when we saw parents being abandoned by their offsprings or when they saw their own children die years after nurturing them?

“Why did I fail?”, did we thank him when we saw that child begging in tattered clothing?

“Why did I go through this heartbreak?”, did we remember to say AllahuAkbar when we see couples casually dating, marrying and divorcing multiple times all over the world.

Yet, Allah subhanah wa ta’ala forgives us. For He is Al-Ghaffar, Al-Ghafur– the Most Forgiving and the Oft Forgiving. He (subhanah wa ta’ala) gives you yet another chance… a chance to turn to Him, a chance to repent, a chance to place your trust on Him and only him. He allows you to depend on Him, for he is Al-Wakeel, the Most Dependable. He bears with you and tells you Why you…

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The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah `azza wa jall said:

‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware.‘” [Reported by al-Tabarani]

We must realise that our knowledge is but a tiny drop in the vast ocean of Allah’s knowledge. He is the As Sami, Al Aleem, Al Baseer..The All Seeing, The All Knowing and The All Hearing. Complete faith on Allah subhanah wa ta’ala is what Tawakkul means.

Allah says in the Qur’an: No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. (2:233)

Indeed man in forgetful! We thank not Allah for what he has bestowed upon us.

And never give up hope of Allah’s soothing Mercy: Truly no one despairs of Allah’s soothing Mercy except those who have no faith.” (12:87)

Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed with Islam.  Being born in a Hindu household was the best thing for me and I am naive to even doubt my Qadr for a moment. Astaghfirullah. Though I cannot sight the light at the end of the tunnel, though my past seems painful but as I look up, I see my hopes rising… I see how blessed I am to have my parents who are so patient with me, I see my few friends who have accepted my reversion, I see myself having sustenance and Alhamdulillah above all the gift of Imaan… I ask myself, Why me?

The foolish among the people willsay, “What has turned them away from their qiblah, which they used to face?” Say, “To Allah belongs the east and the west. He guideswhom He wills to a straight path. ( Qur’an 2:142)

Tears swell up in my eyes wondering where I would have been had I not been guided! I shudder… the few years that I have been alive flash before me.. Alhamdulillah, I am exactly where Allah subhanah wa ta’ala wanted me to be.

This life is not jannah my friend. Don’t give up! Please don’t. Allah (azza wajal) has inflicted pain upon you because He knows it is the best for you! No matter how much we try we won’t be able to grasp the wisdom behind it unless He (azza wajal) wills. Stand up, dust yourself and stand strong. Submit to Allah’s supremacy and come let us face it as a test. Understand that our hearts are void unless we have place in it for Allah. Open your heart to Him, for only He can ease it for you. Indeed after hardship comes ease. This too shall pass In shaa Allah..

Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah , then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 3:31)

Please remember me in your duas. May Allah subhanah wa ta’ala ease it for you and me.

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