my journey as a revert muslimah

Why me….

Another sleepless night for me. Another night to reflect upon myself, my aims, my life and my people. Why am I feeling so disconnected? I visited an old friend, Jasmine, who was in town with her family. I didn’t know how to meet them with my hijab on. A staunch Hindu family, Jasmine had told me that her parents wouldn’t be happy with this decision of mine. After thinking over it for a long time, I chose to wear my hijab under the pretext of feeling really cold! I had to lie. Yes, I sinned perhaps. I don’t know how long am I going to hide my faith. It is an unhappy feeling. Why does it seem so tough to be accepted as a revert? Why was I not born as a muslim? Wouldn’t life have been easier? Why me….

Why me? Don’t we ask that question so many times? I didn’t deserve it… that’s unfair to me.. but I was obedient to Allah subhanah wa ta’ala, I prayed everyday and yet this happened to me! Why me? Why Allah why?

{And We shall try you until We test those among you who strive their utmost and persevere in patience; and We shall try your reported (mettle).} (Quran 47:31)

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Did we ask ‘why me’ when we were bestowed with blessings? What if Allah subhanah wa ta’ala takes away everything that we forgot to thank Him for? Did we ask “why me”, when we were relishing the hot meal on a chilly winter day? The day when we were comfortably tucked inside your blanket and overslept to miss Tahajjud and yet  got all the Thawab only because we made niyyah! Did you ask why me?

“Why am I not getting married?”.. did we thank Him when we read about dowry deaths or domestic violence?

“Why do I not have children?”, did we thank Him when we saw parents being abandoned by their offsprings or when they saw their own children die years after nurturing them?

“Why did I fail?”, did we thank him when we saw that child begging in tattered clothing?

“Why did I go through this heartbreak?”, did we remember to say AllahuAkbar when we see couples casually dating, marrying and divorcing multiple times all over the world.

Yet, Allah subhanah wa ta’ala forgives us. For He is Al-Ghaffar, Al-Ghafur– the Most Forgiving and the Oft Forgiving. He (subhanah wa ta’ala) gives you yet another chance… a chance to turn to Him, a chance to repent, a chance to place your trust on Him and only him. He allows you to depend on Him, for he is Al-Wakeel, the Most Dependable. He bears with you and tells you Why you…

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The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah `azza wa jall said:

‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware.‘” [Reported by al-Tabarani]

We must realise that our knowledge is but a tiny drop in the vast ocean of Allah’s knowledge. He is the As Sami, Al Aleem, Al Baseer..The All Seeing, The All Knowing and The All Hearing. Complete faith on Allah subhanah wa ta’ala is what Tawakkul means.

Allah says in the Qur’an: No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. (2:233)

Indeed man in forgetful! We thank not Allah for what he has bestowed upon us.

And never give up hope of Allah’s soothing Mercy: Truly no one despairs of Allah’s soothing Mercy except those who have no faith.” (12:87)

Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed with Islam.  Being born in a Hindu household was the best thing for me and I am naive to even doubt my Qadr for a moment. Astaghfirullah. Though I cannot sight the light at the end of the tunnel, though my past seems painful but as I look up, I see my hopes rising… I see how blessed I am to have my parents who are so patient with me, I see my few friends who have accepted my reversion, I see myself having sustenance and Alhamdulillah above all the gift of Imaan… I ask myself, Why me?

The foolish among the people willsay, “What has turned them away from their qiblah, which they used to face?” Say, “To Allah belongs the east and the west. He guideswhom He wills to a straight path. ( Qur’an 2:142)

Tears swell up in my eyes wondering where I would have been had I not been guided! I shudder… the few years that I have been alive flash before me.. Alhamdulillah, I am exactly where Allah subhanah wa ta’ala wanted me to be.

This life is not jannah my friend. Don’t give up! Please don’t. Allah (azza wajal) has inflicted pain upon you because He knows it is the best for you! No matter how much we try we won’t be able to grasp the wisdom behind it unless He (azza wajal) wills. Stand up, dust yourself and stand strong. Submit to Allah’s supremacy and come let us face it as a test. Understand that our hearts are void unless we have place in it for Allah. Open your heart to Him, for only He can ease it for you. Indeed after hardship comes ease. This too shall pass In shaa Allah..

Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah , then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 3:31)

Please remember me in your duas. May Allah subhanah wa ta’ala ease it for you and me.

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29 thoughts on “Why me….

  1. Very beautiful post mashAlla on you.
    I was born a Muslim amongst Muslims and trust me I have my shares of lows and difficulty with a my majority Muslim society. This life is a steep mountain wherever you go .. I think you are blessed. Understanding faith the way you speak of it is a true blessing that many search for all their lives. I can’t wait to read more of your beautiful words. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JazakAllah sis for reading and posting this comment. As long as we strive for Allah and to walk on His path, i think we are blessed. Hasn’t he chosen us from amongst so many others?

      In shaa Allah will write more. Please remember me in duaas and my parents too. May Allah always reward you and guide you and me. Ameen. ❤

      Like

  2. Fateema Abdullah says:

    Mash Allah, may Allah reward you for this wonderful article sister.

    Ya Allah make this sister’s journey into Islam fruitful and give her ease and patience in times of difficulties. Amiiiiiin

    Liked by 1 person

  3. eveline05 says:

    Assalamualikum dear sister.. I was a born Indian muslim but was never really one..I had no muslim friends until I was almost 17 . I had no knowledge of islam whatsoever .. My first muslim friend was a guy who actually helped me in more than one ways helped me to understand Islam urged me to start practising it .. when I look back I feel so disappointed with myself.. for some reason I never attended any Islamic congregation .. my payers were just words uttered carelessly.. I was just roaming around in circles always promising myself that I will start practising truly pray with concentration tomorrow.. needleless to say that tomorrow never came ..I hated abaya and would often keep finding excuses to skip it.. Last ramzan was a game changer.. It was when I felt this urgent need to change my ways today .. I want to join IOU and learn more practise more but I am waiting to get a job so I can move out as my family would not really support my decision of taking up Islamic courses…this is all so personal and I am stunned that I am actually sharing this on internet with someone I don’t know personally.. but I felt this urge to just spill it…the disappointment I feel is beyond words.. to the point that I sometimes hate myself for it..though it would be great if someone would have explained my religion to me as a child explained and stressed on its importance and instilled those values i will not put the blame on someone else it is me who is to be blamed no one else..the reason why I am sharing this is you are so much more better as revert than as a born muslim.. you have to face so many problems as a revert but at the same time your iman is so much more stronger.. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense i hope it does..:|

    Liked by 3 people

  4. iamuslimah says:

    This is so beautiful Sis, mashAllah tabarakAllah, may Allah swt bless you with the best of his blessings in the dunya and the akhirah, ameen. It’s true, Allah swt has a perfect plan for us, nothing in life is a coincidence, even if we don’t look at it with that depth. ❤ Love and duas.

    Like

  5. soulsofislamadmin says:

    Mash ‘Allah I love you for the sake of Allah swt. May Allah grant you ease and goodness in this life and the next and savs you from the punishment of hellfire. May Allah swt grant you strength, sincerity, piety. Insha Allah you will be able to express your true self, in hijab, Allah is most merciful. He puts mercy into the hearts of others. Alhumdulilah for each new day. Even if you havent the strength yourself, Allah swt knows your heart, you have sisters across the globe who are on the same boat, we are together in this ❤ Allah is Greater, Allah is One. Say Bismillahi tawwakul alalahi wa lahawla wa laquwata illa billah (In the name of Allah, i put my trust in Allah, and there is no strength or might except with Allah) swt.

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    • Wa iyyaki! JazakAllah khair for your kind words and duaas 🙂 i ask Allah subhanah wa ta’ala to reward you with even better. Ameen.
      Alhamdulillah, yes indeed there are my sisters in Islam sailing on the same boat and I am so glad to have known a few. Indeed Allah knows best. Bismillahi tawakkul alallahi wa la hawla wa la quwatta illa billah! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Assalamu’alaikum dear!
    You wrote it beautifully!
    You have reminded yourself n other. Subhanallah. We should believe in Allah, He knows the best for us. Iman is very…very expensive, only Allah who can give the hidayah n iman. You are very lucky being Muslima. That is the greatest mercy n blessing from Allah. May Allah strengthen our iman! Ameen. If we thankful, Allah will add for us.

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  7. Beautiful post. Its great to have these encouraging words to hold on to and remind us when we are going through something bad that we must still say Alhamdulillah for the good things in our life and work to keep our faith strong! May allah make your journey easy!

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    • Hmmm.. all of us have our shares of ups and downs. I guess it takes a while to figure out how to deal with lows but alhamdulillah, sometimes it is just as easy as speaking to Allah and asking Him to ease it. I hope our hearts find ease ❤

      Like

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