In my words...

. . .and then I called you.(Part 3)

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [ Al Qur’an 2:216]
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My mind was a confused stream of thoughts as I wondered what was happening. What was going to happen. I had no pain. Was this normal. What if something wrong! Fear comes creeping back in. But before I can voice them to Kabir the successive stings of abdominal stabs make their way. First just a few. Then nothing. Then a succession of a few more this time a little more brutal. Then again nothing. By the time we reach the hospital the pain is debilitating. I can’t move, I can’t speak. My mind is lost somewhere here with Kabir next to me and somewhere far away, a distant place, a place other worldly. The throes of pain are quick and feel lethal! I wonder if I’ll live to see Kabir hold our child, for nothings ever felt as near deathly as this moment. 

I remember being surrounded by so many people. I remember Kabir standing right there holding my hand….my heart raced. Everything was going as it should be.. it was alright… until after a while I felt I could not breathe. I couldn’t understand. I was trying.. I felt a hot flush… blood… is this normal? I couldn’t speak.. it started getting vague and hazy… 

I could hear Kabir’s voice, “Aafiyaah….” it was getting distant. There was a lot of movement…

I heard broken words, ” fetal distress.. emergency… fast..uterine rupture..mother and baby critical..”

My baby… those were the last things I heard and a blanket of darkness engulfed me. I felt I was dying…

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When I awoke, I found Kabir sitting beside me. My body felt the fatigue of a warrior defeated in a battlefield. I could barely move my hands to remove the oxygen mask but I wanted to meet my baby. The mere thought made me smile, “boy or a girl?”, I asked.

As he looked up, he seemed to have aged ten years. He smiled back, “Our baby is in good hands my love.”, tears glistening through his eyes, “inni lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon (to Him we belong and to Him shall we return)”.

The world around me spun. It was a dream. I wanted to close my eyes and open them only to travel back by two days. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, not a shriek came out. Tears streamed down.. I saw my mother coming in. She clung to me and both of us wept. At that point, perhaps she understood it the best. She held me till my tears dried. She held me like she had never before.

There was a strange weariness in me. A breathlessness. It started getting dark again. My head. Mum helped me with the oxygen-mask and made me lie down. I felt hollow. Was this it? Am going…. I know am going too… I know it.

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Abdul Kabir:

The doctor’s words kept echoing in my mind. Uterine rupture. I saw them carry away the lifeless body, my child was gone and my wife had a few days more. I thought I was going to bring a new life home but here I am standing only to watch her go too. I wish I could turn my back to all the pain. I wish I could make up for all the time I made her sad. I wish I could fulfill all her dreams today.

Something inside me shattered when I saw her breaking down with Amma (my mother in law). I know I should have been there but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hold back my own tears. I rushed out and walked as far as I could to find solitude. I cried. Alone. For as long as I could. This is how it would be now, forever.

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She lay there still. I could see her withered, as if life was slowly seeping out. Her tears had dried. Amma sat there stroking her hair. As I entered, she signalled me to come and sit by her. Every moment now was so precious. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
She gave me the prettiest smile. Gorgeous. Did I ever love her more? SubhanAllah

I held her tiny, delicate hands.

-” Kabir, if I ask for something would you give me?”

– “anything…”

– ” I wish to meet Mairah”

I kept staring. My heart skipped a beat.
-” Mairah?”

She couldn’t be serious. Before I could even ask, my heart knew why. I just looked at her. Her faint smile and that pain in her eyes. How could I refuse?

-” will you bring her here to me Kabir?”

-” I told you ,’anything’…”

I tucked her in the blanket to rest. I saw faith and content on her face as she closed her eyes. I didn’t know where I would find Mairah but I had to. I sat there wondering, what would I tell Mairah? Where would I look for her?

-“who is Mairah son? Why is Aafiyah so eager to meet her?”, Amma asked.

Blood gushed through my veins. What would I say? Who is she….

Mairah….

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To be continued……

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