In my words...

. . .and then I called you. (Part 8)

image

Saaiq:

I sat aghast. Time froze for me. For a split scond I thought she was joking. Every second that ticked made me hope that she would suddenly start laughing and declare it to be a joke. However, that wasn’t how it went. Her expressions remained as it was, as if someone had torn her soul.

Wallahi, I couldn’t blink a lid as she remembered her past and narrated everything she went through. To imagine a Mairah in love with another, did hurt. Was I a replacement? Did she love me as much? I could see the bruises that were made raw this morning. Did she often remember her past before this day?

I don’t know why I behaved the way I did. As she completed, I felt betrayed. There was an overwhelm of emotions in me. Shaytaan overtook me. There was hurt, anger, sadness and confusion. Though I saw her right there, her face hung in shame, her hand in mine and a hope for mercy from me. Though deep within I wanted to stay and console her with good words. Yet, I got up and walked out of the house. I did not have words to speak to her, I did not have the heart to be there and like just another man, I left her alone… again. Simply sat in my yard waiting to absorb her words into me.

.. By the soul and (by) Him who made it perfect, and then inspired it to understand what is wrong and what is right for it. Truly is successful the one who purifies (his soul).  (Qur’an, 91: 7-9)

As an hour passed, reality struck. Her words flashed in my mind. A vivid imagery played. The imagery of her facing all of it alone. The time when she compiled herself and despite all blockades learnt to laugh. Those years must have been so difficult for her to bear. It was perhaps those years of hardships that polished her to be the gem that she is today. A person so close to our Maker, the woman who keeps my family close to our Rabb. My heart ached for her. I felt a tinge of anger for that man who could bring her to this. Alhamdulillah, she walked alone with pure faith on Allah.

And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from an unexpected source. And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” [Qur’an, 65:2-3]

I remembered my five years with her. From the first day when my aunt told me about this revert girl in her madressah- religious and pious, the first time I saw her and from the first day that we have been married, till this day when she is the mother of our son. All the moments we shared, all the smiles and all the tears. Did I still have an ounce of hesitation about our marriage being anything but the will of Allah? She had been a loyal companion, fulfilling every duty of a wife and helping me complete my obligations. She is my pair sent by Allah, the coolness of my eyes.

Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think. (Qur’an 30:21)

What did I just do? I left her alone at home. Didn’t I assure her that I would be there and that she could share her worry? She placed her trust on me. Why did I not control my nafs before leaving her hand and walking out? Wallahi, who was I to be angry with her?

image

As I reached home, I saw her seated right where I left her. Her eyes twinkled with hope, the tears that glistened gave way to a faint smile. My heart gave away whatever burden that it was carrying. That smile sealed my heart with assurance. I smiled back and gave her the warmest hug.

Allah says  “…And live with them (your wives) in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)

Thoughts didn’t leave me.. Should I let her go? What if it pains her to be before them again? What if I loose a part of my lady? It was she that I worried for. Could I let her go through the agony again? Did I have it in me to soothe her and heal her heart with love? I didn’t have much time. We had to decide.

 Prophet (salallahu alayhi wasallam) said to `Umar (radiallahu anhu), “Shall I tell you the best a man can treasure? It is a good wife. If he looks at her, she gives him pleasure; if he orders her, she obeys; and if he is away from her, she remains faithful to him”. (Abu Dawood)

image

I held her hand (this time not to let go) and asked, – “do you want to go Mairah?”

She nodded, “hmmm.. she is our sister in ummah”

I heaved a sigh. Alhamdulillah, made a silent duaa. Was Allah not the turner of hearts and the one who heals? He is As Salām, the Source of Peace and Al Muīd, the Restorer. He is the controller of Mairah’s and my heart and only He can give us ease.

-“then we shall go Mairah. In shaa Allah. Prepare for our visit to India”

The Prophet(salallahu alayhi wasallam) said, “The best among you are those who are best to their family and I am the best to my family.”
(Tirmizi, ibn Majah)

image

To be continued. . .

Standard
Awards

Versatile Blogger Award

image

Okay, I admit, being nominated for awards excite me! Haha. So this time I have been nominated by sister Fatmawaty and brother Abu Amirah. Both of them are amazing bloggers and humans too. Whilst sister Fatmawaty is very close to my heart and a friend in distress, her blog covers a vast range of things.

Brother Abu Amirah amazes me! His blog Masha’allah is so inspiring. He does great work for the deena and alhamdulillah, is so supportive towards reverts! There is another thing which makes me appreciate him is his love for his wife! Masha’allah. May Allah always reward both of you. Ameen. 

You’ll may check out their blogs by clicking on the following links- Sister Fatmawaty, Brother AbuAmirah. Please please please please visit their blogs!

Here is what i have learnt about VBA. According to the link, If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award and you can proudly pin it on your blog.

The rules upon nomination are as follows:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and add a link to their blog
2. List the award rules so your nominees will know what to do.
3. State 7 things about yourself
4. Nominate other bloggers for the award.
5. Contact your nominees to let them know you have nominated them.
6. Display the award logo on your blog.

So, seven things about me are:-

1) I am funny. I don’t know how I write and do so much drama on blog. But I am a fun loving person



2) I have been thinking about starting a YouTube channel… something like niqabi episodes etc.



3) I am blindly and madly in love with….. my parents. I truly believe they are two very blessed people to have me. 😉



4) I want to get married to the awesomest muslim man and am still searching. 



5) I love eating yet I have obesophobia. That is the fear of being fat. I get so finicky while pouring oil on the pan! Haha. Half a tea spoon is the maximum I put in my food!! Nevertheless, I am finally happy with my weight but my mummy feeds me a lot these days
😀



6) I overstress myself when I get into difficult situations. Takes a while to calm down. 😦



7)
I have always worked hard to be a teacher’s pet. People think it’s lame and comes naturally but no. It involves a lot of hardwork and planning 😉 haha. They loved me and i enjoyed the attention.


My nominees are:

1) http://therevertmiyabhai.wordpress.com

2) http://1gloriangumi.wordpress.com

3) http://sweetheartouma.wordpress.com

4) http://sameen02.wordpress.com

5) http://jalsawadi.wordpress.com

6) http://datgirlnjb.wordpress.com

Woohhooo! Congratulations 🙂

Wa alai kumus salam!
The Indian revert muslimah!

Standard
In my words...

. . . and then I called you. (Part 7)

image

Mairah:

That was how I first heard of Saaiq. I was told he is a practising muslim, looking for a pious practising muslimah. The description stayed with me. It said pious and practising, not beautiful, fair, highly educated and homely.

The Prophet (saws) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed.” 

I was told that he is a doctor who is involved in a lot of voluntary work for pleasing Allah. I was told that he was humble and kind. I still remember the first time our meet was arranged. He came down from Singapore and we saw each other at Alima Shehnaz’s house.

I noticed how his gaze immediately went down after the first glance. I noticed his beard. I noticed how he ate, how he drank, how he wore his shoes. It was all in lines with the sunnah of our Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam. Alhamdulillah. In the days that came, I prayed salat-ul-istikhara and alhamdulillah by the will of Allah gave my consent. This time it was for Allah’s pleasure and I saw in him just what Allah wanted me to see. He was pious, responsible and of good character. A few days later consent came from their side too and the rest was history.

Abu Hurayrah radiallahu anha reported that the Prophetsalallahu alayhi wasallam said: “If a man whose religious commitment and moral conduct you approve of proposes for marriage to your daughter, then marry her to him; otherwise, trials will prevail and great corruption will spread upon the earth.” [At-Tirmithi & Ibn Maajah] 

It was five yeas from today. Each day henceforth is treated as a gift from Allah, another opportunity to please him. Saaiq helped me complete half my deen. A doting husband, adoring father, a funny companion to have but first a devoted servant of Allah subhanah wa ta’ala. The years that went, have humbled me. A sense of peace prevails within me that I have not experienced ever before. I know there lies a test for me in this too.

It was like that until the call came. I decided I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t tell Saaiq about it. Why should I tell Saaiq and disturb my marital life? Why because of her again? I have not forgotten the hurt. The image of a 24 year old me flashes in my mind. I look at my baby, Furq’ān. He is in his own world. Masha’allah. An amanahfrom Allah. A blessing.

Aafiyah and I lost our baby…

AllahuAkbar… inni lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon.

Did I feel the loss of a mother? Why does she want to meet me? I really shouldn’t care.

I kept my phone off all day. Maybe I was an escapist. Perhaps that’s what I always did. My heart wasn’t at peace. I begged Allah for mercy.

Aafiyah is counting her last moments… she wants to meet you..

“The Muslim Ummah is like one body. If the eye is in pain then the whole body is in pain and if the head is in pain then the whole body is in pain” (Sahih Bukhari, Book 32, #6261)

Why does she want to meet? What if she dies? Should I tell Saaiq? Will he accept me with my past?

Yes… Saaiq doesn’t know. I never told him. He never asked.

It was a restless day. That voice within me felt for her. I knew I wanted to go. In spite of everything, she is my sister in ummah. A sister who has sent for me. Must I not go? Perhaps, it was my qadr that Saaiq must know.

As dusk approached, Fur’qān stood staring at the door awaiting his father, as he always does. His eyes lit with glee as the door knob turns! I think it’s mutual. I see that spark in Saaiq’s eyes too. They are the same eyes after all. It was different today for me. I cherished as I saw the similar scene again today as if it was the last time I was seeing it. Would my life be the same after this day?

Lost in my thoughts, I forgot to walk towards Saaiq and greet him. But kind as he is, he came forward and with a warm hug asked me if everything was alright. I nodded in affirmative. Though, I saw the frown of doubt on his face, I looked down and walked into the kitchen.

After Maghreb, as my family waited for supper, my mind was going through a turmoil. I kept looking at my family playing and joking as the dastarkhan lay spread. I felt scared of losing again. I was afraid of standing alone again. I couldn’t utter a word. I missed many questions and gave random responses.

As we put Fur’qān to sleep, Saaiq held my hand and we sat in the hall.

– ” what’s the matter? Has anything happened?”

The tone softened my heart and tears gushed out uncontrollably. How by the will of Allah he always solved every issue of my life! How he was everything I wanted in my spouse.

-“Mairah!  tell me, I am there..” his grip became firmer and something squeezed my heart.

image

Continue reading

Standard
In my words...

. . . and then I called you. (Part 6)

Mairah:

I don’t know what was written in my Qadr. I boarded a bus to Hyderabad and visited Alima Shehnaz. My friend, Shruthi, had mentioned about how Alima Shehnaz  provided shelter to muslimahs in need. Masha’allah. I made a call and immediately she sent help. I remember stepping into the shelter home for the first time. I was overwhelmed. Fourteen women. These were women who had no shelter elsewhere on earth yet there was so much joy and positivity. They lived on bare necessities, yet they did went a step ahead to help their sisters around them. Did I think my life was better?

Their stories would bring tears to my eyes. Yet, they laughed, smiled and loved each others like sisters. Every few days there would be a new sister who would enter the home and would become a part of our lives forever. Wallahi, and the glee when anyone would get married and leave! Tears of happiness would swell and we would spring with joy and hopes!

These were the best amongst the ummah. Some of them were young alimas and some were studying to become one. Every weekend we would have classes from ulemas and we were made to get involved in dawah work. Giving dawah was an obligation.

Invite to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.” (Quran, an-Nahl: 125)

Alhamdulillah, how at nights we would stand up for tahajjud and you could hear sobs. In dim lights, some would sit and complete their madressah lessons. At fajr we would push and shake each other. A few would often need a splash of water! Then we would stand in the peace of dawn as the adhaan from multiple mosques would fill the room calling us towards success.

We slept on floors. Sometimes when the number of girls became more than number of mattresses that we had, we would sleep two on a mattress! We took turns to sleep under the fan everyday. Alhamdulillah, every new girl was treated as a baby! Perhaps because we knew that feeling one goes through on the first day here.

image

I was the same when I came there. In true sense I felt what it meant to be someone’s sister in Islam. For the first time I learnt how important hijab was. Something within me changed as I wore the hijab. For the first time I learnt how important it was to live on the path of sunnah. For the first time I learnt to live for the pleasure of Allah alone.

Say: Truly my prayer, and my actions, and my life, and my death are all for God, the Cherisher of the Universe”. (Qur’an, Chapter 6; Verse 162)

SubhanAllah!

As I read more, I wondered why was I so away from practising my deen. I was a muslim, yes, but why was ‘complete submission’ absent? Why in spite of being married into a family that was always a muslim, we stopped doing anything beyond fardh? I witnessed a different meaning of “striving for Allah”. Every woman there amazed me everyday! Masha’allah.

Friends on that Day will be enemies one to another, except al-Muttaqoon (i.e. those who have Taqwah).” [Qur’an 43:67]

That was my life for three years. Three very short years. Alhamdulillah, I was blessed. Alima Shehnaz always took very good care of us and was our motherly figure. I met people for Allah’s pleasure and loved them for the same. I witnessed Allah’s miracles when someone was given hidayah and returned to Islam. It was one such other day when Alima Shehnaz asked me to visit her.

-“there’s something important to discuss.”, she said

It must be about expanding our madressah I guessed. We have been working on it.

I went to her place that evening. As warm as she always was, she got tea for us. I was giving her all the updates about our home, when she interrupted me.

-” Have you thought about marriage Aairah?”

I was stunned for a few seconds. Marriage? Yes, I missed the comfort and completeness of marriage but I had found my family. I felt the warmth of love here. There was a void deep within but I had accepted my life as it was.

Perhaps….i was scared.

Marriage? Again?… no..

I chose to stay mum.

-“my sister is looking for a pious girl for her son. I don’t know, but I think you are going to be the best match for him Mairah. I have seen you all these years and I think it is time for you to get married. You cannot be here forever. You must complete half our deen.”

Pious girl… these words kept echoing. I? Pious?

-” Saaiq is a very good person Masha’allah. Very serious about deen. A wise and responsible man. Most importantly, a practicing muslim. So is the family. They are well read about the deen and alhamdulillah they will care for you. ”

Practising muslim…

Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable. 
[24: An-Nur-26]

image

To be continued. . .

Standard
Awards

Liebster award

image

As salamu alai kum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!

Alhamdulillah, I am elated to have received the Liebster Award from brother Abu Amirah. He is an amazing blogger and it is always so enchanting to read his posts especially about reverts and Islam. Alhamdulillah, I believe he is doing a great job. It is my earnest request to all of you to please visit his blog and have a read. The link to his blog is here

So this award is esentially to encourage bloggers, especially the new ones or “small scale bloggers”, if I may use this term.

The rules are as follows:

1.Thank the person who gave you the Liebster Award nomination and link their blog to your post.
2. Answer the 11 questions they asked you.
3. Nominate 5- 11 bloggers for the award. The bloggers must have 200 followers or fewer.
4. Now Create 11 questions to ask your nominees.
5. Make sure to let your nominees know you nominated them once you’ve posted about your Liebster Award.
Add the Liebster Award badge to your blog!

Now, it is my turn to answer the brother’s questions

1. Does blogging make/keep you happy?

Absolutely! It gives me a sense of content and trust me, most of the time during the day I am actually thinking about my posts or what I should be writing next etc 🙂

2. Which book are you currently reading?
Fundamentals of Tawheed by Dr. Bilal Philips.

3. How do you react to criticism?

Well, deep within one spot of me feels defensive and I am thinking, ‘I did it because so and so.’ Or ‘you are not understanding my situation’. Nevertheless, I do not speak it out since I know it is my nafs. That’s because I am Insaan and I am weak.

However, if someone is correcting me and I know that he is correct, I keep mum, accept it and ask Allah to guide me and forgive me. Because it is an advice for my own good! Muslims are supposed to be each other’s mirror!

4. By the end of today what do you want to have changed about yourself?

To become more patient and kind with people. In shaa Allah

5. What’s your favorite quote?

It is always In Shaa Allah

6. Are you married? If no, WHY?
REALLY,WHY????????

No. I am asking Allah subhanah wa ta’ala myself “why Allah why why why”.

Alhamdulillah, as I said it is always In shaa Allah. So I am awaiting for the right person Allah has created as my pair. In shaa Allah.

7. Say, if you were to write a book, what would it be about?

Islam! Maybe a translation of the noble Qur’an in every Indian language without arabic font next to it, so that the words of Allah subhanah wa ta’ala reaches everyone! In shaa Allah.

8. Ever hit a writer’s block? How did you get over it?

I do. So many times. I don’t bother about it much. As time passes, I eventually find the right words for the right story. Alhamdulillah.

9. What’s the most annoying trait among people in your country?

Paganism. Superstitions..

10. If you were to advice me about visiting your country, which place would you recommend i visit?

Jammu and Kashmir, Andamans & Nicobar islands or Kerela. Masha’allah all are beautiful.

11. What’s your purpose in life?

To be a successful servant to our Maker.

JazakAllah khair for the questions. I enjoyed answering them.

My nominees for Leibster award are
1) http://www.seraphictruth.com
2) http://www.thatsthebetterme.wordpress.com
3) http://www.neghenaha.wordpress.com
4) http://www.fitmuslimgirl.com
5) http://www.salwister.wordpress.com
6) http://www.randomsbyarandom.wordpress.com
7) http://www.escapinglifesshackles.wordpress.com
8) http://www.umairehman.wordpress.com

Yay! Congratulations 🙂

My questions to you are as follows

1. What inspired you to blog and has blogging helped you?

2. What is that one wish that you would like to be fulfilled in this dunya?

3. Is there anything that you’ve been wanting to write about since a long time but haven’t penned it down yet? If yes, then what is it about?

4. What is the one thing/ change that you think will help you come a step closer to Allah (subhanah wa ta’ala)?

5. Who is that one person you wish to meet in person, but haven’t yet got an opportunity to? (After our Prophet Mohammed (saw))

6. What duaa would you make for your neighbour?

7. Your favourite food?

8. Your favourite person in family and why?

9. Would you forgive someone, who has hurt you too much, on the condition of you being his/her neighbour in Jannah? [I recently heard a lecture of Mufti Menk where he told this, and just stayed in my mind. Alhamdulillah]

10. What is the colour you wear the most?

11. Who is that one blogger whose blogs you admire the most?

Hope you’ll had fun reading it. 🙂

Wa alai kumus salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Standard
In my words...

. . .and then I called you. (Part 5)

image

Mairah:

It didn’t sink in. What did he just say?
I managed to utter a few words, “what did you say? It is a bad joke Kabir”

– ” She joined office two months back. I don’t know what happened. The moment I saw her I was blown out of my mind.”

Oh.. just a minor attraction. He is confessing his guilt. He loves me so much! I try to console him…
-” it’s okay. It happens Kabir. It is just an attraction. I know. You’re just guilty. I am with you. We will sail through it.”

He shook his head in disagreement,
-” we have been meeting everyday for the past one month Mairah. We want to get married. Please understand, we love each other”

– “she too? Does she know that you’re married?”, I startled in surprise. How could a woman do this?

– ” I told her last week. She was very angry and gave her resignation the following day. She stopped talking to me ever since. I was miserable Mairah, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I know I am wrong, I know I am being unfair to you but I couldn’t stop myself from approaching her today.”

– “…and?”

-” she agreed.. she feels very unhappy for you Mairah. But we love each other. I promise you, I will never abandon you or leave you helpless. All your needs will be taken care of. Whenever you need anything I will be there as a friend.”

Everything else was left unheard. I didn’t know what my reaction should be. This day was even beyond my dreams. I never had a back up plan. I didn’t complete my education, my parents refused to take me back. I begged, I pleaded for my marriage, only to realise I was begging from an insaan.

A few weeks later Kabir pronounced “talaq” for me. I tried to please him in every way. What was in her that I lacked? I turned to Allah azza wajal. I begged for mercy. I begged for forgiveness. Why was this happening to me?

He would come home late everyday. I knew they were together but I couldn’t do anything. The days he would speak to me, he only spoke about her. It was perhaps the worst feeling to hear about another woman from him, but I still would, just to hear him speak to me.

My days at home would be spent reading the Qur’an, trying to understand His (azza wajal) words instead of merely reciting it in arabic as I did till today. In the words of my Maker did I find solace. I prayed nafls, haajat, istikhara.. just to seek guidance. After six years I woke up again for Tahajjud. Is that how close you feel to Allah in the last third of the night? In the darkest corners of my house, I would cry for hours in sujood. I heard the voice within me, the voice that answered all my questions. The voice that spoke the truth.

“When at dusk, the thoroughbred horses were displayed before him.He then said, “I loved the material things over the remembrance of my Lord, until it disappeared behind a veil.” (Qur’an 38:31-32)

Did Sulaiman(as) not allow material possessions to distract him from worshipping Allah? Indeed, he then repented and got rid of those horses.

I knew why it was happening to me but my nafs wouldn’t let me accept. I knew my love for him had become worship. I had started to thank him for my happiness. My days would be spent thinking about him and considering myself lucky for being the chosen one.

Your money and children are but a test, and with God lies a great reward.” ( Qur’an 64:15)

Somewhere down the line I became blind in materialism. I thought I had secured my life until my oldage, wherein even tomorrow was not promised to me! My salah was the only sign of my deen. I forgot to strive for Allah (azza wajal). Unknowingly, I had distanced myself from my Maker. I felt so lost because my life was not for the pleasure of my Maker. Yet, He(azza wajal) was patient with me. He kept on giving me for so many years. Wallahi, with what deeds would I go to Allah (azza wajal) if I would die tonight? I knew, He took only to give me better. A better chance to turn to Him before I die. How could I now complain?

When distress struck hazrat Ayub (as) after 80 years of blessings, he (as) told his wife, “I am ashamed to call on my Lord to remove the hardship, for I have not suffered longer than the years of good health and plenty.”

This from a man so pious, and I was but another sinner. As I read the words of  my master, the Malik-ul-Mulk, it was as if He (azza wajal) was speaking to me.

Ibn Taymiyah said: ‘A calamity that makes you turn to Allah is better for you than a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah.’

 Allaah says in a hadeeth Qudsi:
‘I am as my slave thinks of me and I am with him whenever he remembers me.’ 

My iddat period was coming to an end and all hopes were faltering. Until that day, the voice told me something. I wiped my tears, packed my bags, held my Qur’an close to my heart and left.

I walked, I walked and I walked. Within my heart I made a small dua, “Ya Allah, as I start today, let me depend solely on you..never let me turn back out of weakness.”

And whosoever depends upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him (Qur’an 65:3)

For once I wanted to depend on Him alone. For once I wanted to strive for Him alone. I walked towards my sole destination from this day – towards my Rabb…. to never return. Never.

image

To be continued. . .

Standard