It didn’t sink in. What did he just say?
I managed to utter a few words, “what did you say? It is a bad joke Kabir”
– ” She joined office two months back. I don’t know what happened. The moment I saw her I was blown out of my mind.”
Oh.. just a minor attraction. He is confessing his guilt. He loves me so much! I try to console him…
-” it’s okay. It happens Kabir. It is just an attraction. I know. You’re just guilty. I am with you. We will sail through it.”
He shook his head in disagreement,
-” we have been meeting everyday for the past one month Mairah. We want to get married. Please understand, we love each other”
– “she too? Does she know that you’re married?”, I startled in surprise. How could a woman do this?
– ” I told her last week. She was very angry and gave her resignation the following day. She stopped talking to me ever since. I was miserable Mairah, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I know I am wrong, I know I am being unfair to you but I couldn’t stop myself from approaching her today.”
-” she agreed.. she feels very unhappy for you Mairah. But we love each other. I promise you, I will never abandon you or leave you helpless. All your needs will be taken care of. Whenever you need anything I will be there as a friend.”
Everything else was left unheard. I didn’t know what my reaction should be. This day was even beyond my dreams. I never had a back up plan. I didn’t complete my education, my parents refused to take me back. I begged, I pleaded for my marriage, only to realise I was begging from an insaan.
A few weeks later Kabir pronounced “talaq” for me. I tried to please him in every way. What was in her that I lacked? I turned to Allah azza wajal. I begged for mercy. I begged for forgiveness. Why was this happening to me?
He would come home late everyday. I knew they were together but I couldn’t do anything. The days he would speak to me, he only spoke about her. It was perhaps the worst feeling to hear about another woman from him, but I still would, just to hear him speak to me.
My days at home would be spent reading the Qur’an, trying to understand His (azza wajal) words instead of merely reciting it in arabic as I did till today. In the words of my Maker did I find solace. I prayed nafls, haajat, istikhara.. just to seek guidance. After six years I woke up again for Tahajjud. Is that how close you feel to Allah in the last third of the night? In the darkest corners of my house, I would cry for hours in sujood. I heard the voice within me, the voice that answered all my questions. The voice that spoke the truth.
“When at dusk, the thoroughbred horses were displayed before him.He then said, “I loved the material things over the remembrance of my Lord, until it disappeared behind a veil.” (Qur’an 38:31-32)
Did Sulaiman(as) not allow material possessions to distract him from worshipping Allah? Indeed, he then repented and got rid of those horses.
I knew why it was happening to me but my nafs wouldn’t let me accept. I knew my love for him had become worship. I had started to thank him for my happiness. My days would be spent thinking about him and considering myself lucky for being the chosen one.
“Your money and children are but a test, and with God lies a great reward.” ( Qur’an 64:15)
Somewhere down the line I became blind in materialism. I thought I had secured my life until my oldage, wherein even tomorrow was not promised to me! My salah was the only sign of my deen. I forgot to strive for Allah (azza wajal). Unknowingly, I had distanced myself from my Maker. I felt so lost because my life was not for the pleasure of my Maker. Yet, He(azza wajal) was patient with me. He kept on giving me for so many years. Wallahi, with what deeds would I go to Allah (azza wajal) if I would die tonight? I knew, He took only to give me better. A better chance to turn to Him before I die. How could I now complain?
When distress struck hazrat Ayub (as) after 80 years of blessings, he (as) told his wife, “I am ashamed to call on my Lord to remove the hardship, for I have not suffered longer than the years of good health and plenty.”
This from a man so pious, and I was but another sinner. As I read the words of my master, the Malik-ul-Mulk, it was as if He (azza wajal) was speaking to me.
Ibn Taymiyah said: ‘A calamity that makes you turn to Allah is better for you than a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah.’
Allaah says in a hadeeth Qudsi:
‘I am as my slave thinks of me and I am with him whenever he remembers me.’
My iddat period was coming to an end and all hopes were faltering. Until that day, the voice told me something. I wiped my tears, packed my bags, held my Qur’an close to my heart and left.
I walked, I walked and I walked. Within my heart I made a small dua, “Ya Allah, as I start today, let me depend solely on you..never let me turn back out of weakness.”
And whosoever depends upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him (Qur’an 65:3)
For once I wanted to depend on Him alone. For once I wanted to strive for Him alone. I walked towards my sole destination from this day – towards my Rabb…. to never return. Never.
To be continued. . .