In my words...

. . .and then I called you. (Part 8)

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Saaiq:

I sat aghast. Time froze for me. For a split scond I thought she was joking. Every second that ticked made me hope that she would suddenly start laughing and declare it to be a joke. However, that wasn’t how it went. Her expressions remained as it was, as if someone had torn her soul.

Wallahi, I couldn’t blink a lid as she remembered her past and narrated everything she went through. To imagine a Mairah in love with another, did hurt. Was I a replacement? Did she love me as much? I could see the bruises that were made raw this morning. Did she often remember her past before this day?

I don’t know why I behaved the way I did. As she completed, I felt betrayed. There was an overwhelm of emotions in me. Shaytaan overtook me. There was hurt, anger, sadness and confusion. Though I saw her right there, her face hung in shame, her hand in mine and a hope for mercy from me. Though deep within I wanted to stay and console her with good words. Yet, I got up and walked out of the house. I did not have words to speak to her, I did not have the heart to be there and like just another man, I left her alone… again. Simply sat in my yard waiting to absorb her words into me.

.. By the soul and (by) Him who made it perfect, and then inspired it to understand what is wrong and what is right for it. Truly is successful the one who purifies (his soul).  (Qur’an, 91: 7-9)

As an hour passed, reality struck. Her words flashed in my mind. A vivid imagery played. The imagery of her facing all of it alone. The time when she compiled herself and despite all blockades learnt to laugh. Those years must have been so difficult for her to bear. It was perhaps those years of hardships that polished her to be the gem that she is today. A person so close to our Maker, the woman who keeps my family close to our Rabb. My heart ached for her. I felt a tinge of anger for that man who could bring her to this. Alhamdulillah, she walked alone with pure faith on Allah.

And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from an unexpected source. And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” [Qur’an, 65:2-3]

I remembered my five years with her. From the first day when my aunt told me about this revert girl in her madressah- religious and pious, the first time I saw her and from the first day that we have been married, till this day when she is the mother of our son. All the moments we shared, all the smiles and all the tears. Did I still have an ounce of hesitation about our marriage being anything but the will of Allah? She had been a loyal companion, fulfilling every duty of a wife and helping me complete my obligations. She is my pair sent by Allah, the coolness of my eyes.

Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think. (Qur’an 30:21)

What did I just do? I left her alone at home. Didn’t I assure her that I would be there and that she could share her worry? She placed her trust on me. Why did I not control my nafs before leaving her hand and walking out? Wallahi, who was I to be angry with her?

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As I reached home, I saw her seated right where I left her. Her eyes twinkled with hope, the tears that glistened gave way to a faint smile. My heart gave away whatever burden that it was carrying. That smile sealed my heart with assurance. I smiled back and gave her the warmest hug.

Allah says  “…And live with them (your wives) in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)

Thoughts didn’t leave me.. Should I let her go? What if it pains her to be before them again? What if I loose a part of my lady? It was she that I worried for. Could I let her go through the agony again? Did I have it in me to soothe her and heal her heart with love? I didn’t have much time. We had to decide.

 Prophet (salallahu alayhi wasallam) said to `Umar (radiallahu anhu), “Shall I tell you the best a man can treasure? It is a good wife. If he looks at her, she gives him pleasure; if he orders her, she obeys; and if he is away from her, she remains faithful to him”. (Abu Dawood)

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I held her hand (this time not to let go) and asked, – “do you want to go Mairah?”

She nodded, “hmmm.. she is our sister in ummah”

I heaved a sigh. Alhamdulillah, made a silent duaa. Was Allah not the turner of hearts and the one who heals? He is As Salām, the Source of Peace and Al Muīd, the Restorer. He is the controller of Mairah’s and my heart and only He can give us ease.

-“then we shall go Mairah. In shaa Allah. Prepare for our visit to India”

The Prophet(salallahu alayhi wasallam) said, “The best among you are those who are best to their family and I am the best to my family.”
(Tirmizi, ibn Majah)

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To be continued. . .

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