Excerpts from my life


-“And your Lord is the Free of need, the possessor of mercy” (Quran, 6:133)

Have you ever wondered the mercy Allah swt has put in time? How as time passes every problem, sourness or heart break heals. Indeed Allah subhana wa ta’ala is Ash Shafee- The Healer. Like every sickness, He heals hearts as well. 

There are moments I sit back and reflect upon the small journey that I have traversed. Alhamdulillah, the feeling is nothing less than being “overawed”. Who could have ever planned a life this way? All the twist, turns, happy and good times. The unimaginable position I am in today and the incomprehensible position I will be five years down the line. How many of us end up exactly where we had planned? I, at least, had never imagined to be here in this city, amidst the people I am and doing the things that I am today. 

I stood against yet another such moment. I found old mails. Mails I had exchanged with Zara two years back. We were such hopeless zombies back then! To give a brief background of our status- we were new reverts peeping into this weird world of Islam. Alien, yet pleasing. Awkward, yet serene. 

Intrigued eyes that searched a niche for themselves as Muslims. Those mails made me smile. I remember how happy we were to come across each other on WordPress. Very soon we were exchanging mails and sharing our despairs. 

Thats what I plan when I start working also. To wake up early and keep my learning of deen in the morning, maybe reading a little quran or learning something Inshallah and then start my day…

 Yes, we were learners back then. We did not know where to read from, whom to take knowledge from. We did not know what to do the next day as Muslimahs.

“…Btw, my landlord invited me for Eid 🙂 I was so happy. I’ll be meeting some muslims maybe! Priya was again joking that I am such a big bhukkad that I spent all iftaris with her and when the time to celebrate eid came, I am running to eat biryani there! …”

And we were desperate to meet Muslims. Good practising Muslims.. Or maybe just any good muslim. We wanted to feel as a part of the ummah. 

“…I can understand your struggles regarding your salah. Even I used to have a hard time finding a private space to pray, when I was at home or hostel. You must have read about that in my blog. Insha’allah one day you will pray all with ease…”

I just hope Inshallah a day comes when I can pray all my prayers happily, when I will have a family where everyone is praying on time so that I don’t feel the agony that I feel many a times to leave a conversation in between to pray or to leave a show interrupted to pray.. There are so many prayers I pray in the last 15mins by coaxing myself…  sometimes I do feel scared that Islam will slip away from my life, this is the only fear which keeps me from missing a prayer and, I doubt myself whether my faith is weak… I feel scared about the day I again start missing prayers or the day I feel attracted to the unislamic kind of life….”

And we consoled each other. Giving each other hope. How far we have come from that path Alhamdulillah. Today when I see Zara, I see a strong and intelligent muslimah. It is beautiful to imagine the way Allah subhana wa ta’ala placed her in my life just when I needed someone like her the most. To witness someone in the same struggles as me. The same apprehensions. 

Perhaps, it was the first time I realised what loving for Allah could mean. Alhamdulillah, only I know(and Allah knows better) what her presence in my life meant at that point. She was a rope that held me tight into deen. How I flourished as a muslimah only by knowing the fact that if I drop, she might be left alone. How her struggles inspired me to go on. And in the most pristine way we held each other and pulled each other to walk with us (only by the will of Allah). 

“…And no my mom knows nothing about my reversion. In fact she did doubt it but she knows nothing. I am so scared to even mention a related topic to her. She had almost caught me praying once or twice..almost! Now I am careful…”

 Today both of us have spoken to our parents. Alhamdulillah, what a path we have walked together indeed. I still remember the discussions we had on “what next”. Strategies, consoling, tears and hopes. There was so much to share and learn. We gave everything we could from 200kms apart. 

“…about my marriage, yes I do worry about it a lot. Sometimes I feel scared that I will be 50years old and alone 😛 I do not see many good guys around me in the first place, secondly I do not see many muslim guys around me, thus seeing a combo of good muslim guy seems like a far cry for me. I do not which community to socialize in to meet people, I do not know whether putting up an add in matrimonial is a good idea, I do not know how to meet an imam to ask him to find because imams seems unapproachable…infact even being in the 50m radius of a masjid makes me so awkward that I wish to scuffle out from that area. Dating is out of scene for me. Its basically very lonely, empty and scary for me to look in that area of my life. Spending every ramadan alone is a very depressing thought. Someday I wish to have a family to sit for suhoor and iftari, to have a mahram to go for hajj with…even if its my  mom dad 🙂 …”

That made me choke. Look at those words! So much fear. Subhanallah.  I sometimes wonder whether these words have really been spoken by us? Did we think this way? Was it the same me pouring these words from my core and was it the same she sharing her thoughts?

How stupid I was. How stupid I was to not realise that Allah has plans for me. How naive of me to not know only Allah is The Planner and the Master of my destiny. Indeed He had planned these years so beautifully for us.

Our rizq, ilm, marriage and relations were taken care of. Yes, with time we are tested and there is always a new test.. Perhaps now we know a little better Subahanallah..  Perhaps it is true that our tests make us better Muslims, and strenghten our eemaan. The greatest fear that we sailed through is of giving up on Islam.

 But were we really the ones who dealt with the issues, strived or struggled? What did we really do? We merely lived our lives the way we had to. Chapters merely unfolded smoothly so that we could be on a new page. 

And the old pages? They are soft reminders my friend. Soft reminders of how our affairs are in good hands. How our fears back then were baseless and how our fears of this day are baseless too. Patience and prayer are the two keys to deal with every hardship. 

Today perhaps I’ll sit and count the blessings I have today. In sha Allah. Those blessings that were once upon a time duas … A quiet moment to be grateful and introspect that moment in which my duas got accepted. To introspect myself, the person I am today. Am I a better muslimah? Am I a thankful muslimah…

. . then when (Sulaiman (Solomon)) saw it placed before him, he said: “This is by the Grace of my Lord to test me whether I am grateful or ungrateful! And whoever is grateful, truly, his gratitude is for (the good of) his own self, and whoever is ungrateful, (he is ungrateful only for the loss of his own self). Certainly! My Lord is Rich (Free of all wants), Bountiful”   [ Qur’am: An-Naml: 40]